Scripture

Proverbs 27:5-6 NLT

An open rebuke is better than hidden love!

Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy.

Consider

This pair of proverbs, upon reflection, may seem reasonable. A friend’s critical observation, after all, should mean more to us than empty flattery from an adversary.

In that moment of confrontation, however, we often react as if we believe the opposite. We take offense at a well-meant rebuke because we expect our friends to affirm us and our enemies to attack us. What about the old adage we grew up on, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”? Doesn’t it feel better to receive kisses than a slap on the face?

Wisdom proverbs are less concerned with what feels good to us than what builds up our moral and spiritual character. An open rebuke is better than hidden love because it is love that takes action instead of watching silently and distantly as the loved one self-destructs. A friend may suffer personal discomfort in helping us face a hard truth about ourselves, but the enemy who flatters us with many kisses seeks only selfish gain.

Why, then, do we resist these “faithful wounds” inflicted by our friends? Why do we respond with anger instead of gratitude to a loving rebuke? Here are some possibilities:

• Pride. Whether by friend or foe, we don’t like being criticized. We don’t like to admit our mistakes or apologize when we’re wrong. We resist the pain of having our imperfections exposed.
• Need to be valued. An enemy’s kisses are effective because they play into our need to feel admired and special. Although a friend’s rebuke is truly evidence that we are loved and valued, in our neediness we perceive a message that we are flawed and worthless, triggering our shame and resentment.
• Clashes of wisdom. In a confusing paradox of our times, cultural wisdom says we build character by building self-esteem, yet biblical wisdom says character grows through esteeming God and others above ourselves. Instead of stroking our ego, a friend’s loving rebuke helps us grow our character by keeping us humble.
• Resistance to change. We may respond with anger to a friend’s rebuke because we are comfortable with our secret sin. Once our dark side is exposed, guilt and shame pressure us toward change we are not eager to accept.
• Lack of trust. To benefit from loving criticism, we must trust the source. Believing in our friend’s love and concern for us will help us overcome our initial response of anger and open our hearts to receive the well-meant gift.

Pray

Heavenly Father, I confess that my need to feel desirable and unblemished makes criticism painful. I ask for humility to admit my sins and flaws and allow friends to help me build up true character through loving rebuke. Heal my secret wounds that make me vulnerable to “empty kisses.” Give me a teachable spirit so that I can recognize and accept all the wisdom you send my way.

Reflect

Proverbs 13:1; Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Ponder

In what area of my life am I most vulnerable to “empty kisses”?